The Illusion of External Validation

Someone recently explained the concept of seeking external validation to me, and I found it mind-blowing.

He shared a childhood story: whenever his mom made chapatis, he would excitedly spread the news to every kid in the neighborhood. It was a rare occasion in his home, so he had to show it off and let everyone know who was boss.

Then he asked me, “Do you think a kid who grew up eating chapatis regularly would feel the need to tell everyone about it?”

I thought about it and said, “No.”

He smiled and said, “Exactly.”

Why We Show Off

We show off because what we are flaunting is new to us. We are not used to it.

And when we post, we attract two types of audiences:
1. People who are already used to what we’re showing off.
2. People who are not used to it.

The first group looks at us like, “Alaa, why are you even showing this off? Isn’t this normal?”

I laughed and told him, “Omg! When I first moved to Kilimani, weuh! I wanted the whole world to know because it was such a big deal to me!”

He laughed and said, “Exactly! But people who have lived there for years were probably looking at your posts like, ‘Aii, kwani huyu ni nini?’”

The second group—those who are not used to what you’re flaunting—gets divided into two categories:
1. 20% who feel inspired by your growth.
2. 80% who feel jealous and angry that it’s you and not them.

The Need to Prove a Point

I asked him, “But how can I buy a Benz and not show it off? I have haters to prove wrong. I have people who doubted me, and they need to see me win!”

He laughed and said, “Your hater will remain your hater—even if you buy a Mercedes. Someone who thinks you’re a fool will still think you’re a fool—even if you buy a Range Rover. In fact, they’ll now say, ‘Aah, kwani siku hizi Range Rovers are driven by fools? Kwani this Benz is so cheap that even you can afford it?’”

Bottom line: Whoever hates you will still hate you.

The hate runs so deep that they’ll say, “Let’s see how long she can even keep that Mercedes.”

Flaunting Doesn’t Change Perceptions

He added that showing off your wealth or material possessions won’t stop people from having their own opinions about you.

He said, “Look at Oscar Sudi—doesn’t he have money? Isn’t he a man drunk on power? But does that stop people from mocking him or calling him uneducated?”

I replied, “No.”

He smiled and said, “Exactly.”

The Power of Privacy

Then he hit me with a powerful truth:

“Nasra, the people you want to prove your success to—if you don’t post about your wins, that’s when they’ll really know you’re doing well. How many people do you know who are rich and successful but have never posted about it?”

I thought for a second and said, “Plenty.”

He nodded. “Exactly. Be private. Stop attracting negative energy into your life. Win—not because you want validation from people, but because you are happy, content, and satisfied with your life.”

I thanked him for the eye-opening conversation.

As he was leaving, he casually dropped, “By the way, I’m still tired—I just got back from Malaysia yesterday.”

I was shocked. “Aaaaaaiiiiiii weeeeh! Malaysia again?? Didn’t we just talk a few days ago when you told me you were at home?”

He laughed. “Eeh, it was true. I was home—just that my home was in Malaysia. I’ve been away for a month, but I made sure my line was open so no one would know I wasn’t around.”

I was baffled. “But I’m your friend! Why not tell me at least?”

His response was hysterical.

“If I had told you, what would be the point of this conversation? What lesson would you have learned? Would you have even trusted my advice?”

Weuh! I will meet him again soon. And trust me, whatever knowledge I get from him, I will share.